Early Friday morning, Officer Ollie Bilge reported the remains of local author, Todd Hunt, devoured by an alligator in the mud pits between West Ashley park and The Oasis housing development. Said Bilge, "I was really surprised to see a gator that big out of the zoo. I wasn't
nearly as surprised to see that Mr. Hunt managed to get himself halfway eaten. It wasn't my first encounter with Mr. Hunt. Just last week I saw him walking on the sidewalk in the Oasis development. I told him it was against the law to walk on the sidewalk or the grass. I told
him he could walk in the street, and he obliged. It's my general opinion that gullible cotton balls like him should be eaten alive by crocodilians."
Professor Kerry Falkirk, Biology Professor at Charleston Southern, mused on the alligator: "Its size, 15 feet, was amazing. The scientific community owes much to Mr. Hunt for walking in the swamp at night, for we have never witnessed such a specimen. The gator's facial expression was one of true distaste and regret. I assume the giant was anticipating a treat like a Pomeranian or French Poodle. How could he have expected such a bitter meal? As for Mr. Hunt's expression–well, he just looked rather confused."
Asked about the fate of the gator's remains, Mr. Falkirk replied: "We will most assuredly have him stuffed and presented for display at the Biology Museum. Such grandeur cannot go wasted."
As for the remains of the late Mr. Hunt, Ruth Geberhadt, Dean of English at Charleston Southern, comments: "A fine idea would be to also have Mr. Hunt stuffed, and put on display at the Charleston Library during Banned Books Week. Banned for being really, really bad. But I
expect individuals, probably related by blood, would possibly object to the idea."
Mr. Hunt was the writer of several lurid short stories. "Mr. Hunt," said Geberhadt, "Was not even a minor writer. He can be compared to a dead planet that NASA has yet to discover."
His only survivor in Charleston, brother Godfrey, was given his shoes. The shoes had holes in them. Police speculated that the alligator ripped open the shoes, but Godfrey Hunt commented: "No, they were old shoes. He was too cheap to buy new shoes."
Lowcountry conservationists will hold a Candlelit Wake for the alligator. The alligator has come to be affectionately known as Mr. Bumpy. Professor Falkirk says to Mr. Hunt's survivors: "We in the scientific community give our heartfelt thanks for producing such a stupid young man without whom we would have never discovered Mr. Bumpy."