I promise I wasn't eating from there.

One day some time ago, my toilet became clogged for mysterious reasons. It wouldn’t flush properly but didn’t overflow. Nothing was going down there anymore. Luckily, I have a backup toilet, but this toilet is my favorite, so I had to get it fixed. I called the maintenance man and when he arrived, explained the problem and went to run some errands.

When I returned the maintenance man was gone and my favorite toilet was fixed. He had left the work order on the counter, which was pinned down by a gigantic spoon. On the order he had written, in huge handwriting that had obviously been mutated with amazement, terror, and disgust:

THERE WAS A SPOON IN THE TOILET!!!!!!

Oh no.

As soon as I saw the spoon, I remembered. A few days before, I had dumped a large storage container of objectionable pumpkin seeds, thinking stupidly, this is a good idea, they will decompose faster. I had forgotten there was a big ‘ol soup spoon I was using for a scoop buried in the seeds. The toilet swallowed seeds and spoon, and choked on the spoon.

Oh no.

So now I imagined this poor maintenance man’s surprise and horror, finding a spoon in my toilet. This man thinking, why did this thing happen? Why does he need a spoon in there, so close to a toilet, and then, IN THE TOILET? Is he eating . . . IS HE EATING IN THERE, FROM THERE? What is he eating from there? Oh my God. THERE WAS A SPOON IN THE TOILET!!!!

Oh no, I promise, I promise!, I was not eating from there.

I hope he didn’t tell anyone, like I just did.