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Editor's Rant

For 2.5 years or so, I've been editing for a self-publishing firm. Some of the books are good, some passable, but some are pure, rotting SHIT.

And this is shit that keeps on steaming, friends. Cause these good folks write books and stories, engorged with a passion for filling up the world with their lovely, broken-down ideas, cluttering bookshelves with pus, much like eight-legged frogs in Michigan and women's apparel made from pizza toppings and fucktours in graveyards.

However, I am an encouraging editor. I understand that Neil Young wants us all to keep on rockin in the fucking free world, and that includes all the Wombat McKenzies, Shortwit Joneses and Apple Oranges who want to see their stories and ideas in print. If I come across a vapid character, I politely suggest that the writer provide some dimension to make that character interesting. When a character suddenly sticks her head out, with no context, I don't write "Sticks her head out of what? What, is she a fucking turtle? If she's not a turtle, you must be one, cause you and turtles have about the same corn syrup ideas about writing a book!"

No. I am a professional.

I will not inform these writers that they put the "less" in hopeless. I will not tell them that they've turned creativity into a negative energy. I will not tell them that their books cannot even be helped by sewage treatment plants. I will not write, "John Lennon would laugh at you!" I do not ask them if I can use their vacant heads for storage next time I have to move. I will not even write, "So! YOU'RE the one who bought those new clothes from the Emperor!"

No. I am a professional.

A professional idiot.

Give me motley. Give me a cockscombe and I'll pull my rainbow wand from my ass, then dance and sing through your fucked February imagination. I have ascorbic acid for your scurvy sentences and prosthetics for your paraplegic paragraphs. Welcome to fucking first grade. Put that apple back in your pocket.

I fucking hate apples.


hannah said...

When I see the crap that actually gets published, I appreciate your job that much more! Imagine how terrible it was before an editor got hold of it.

Troy Blackford said...

One of the saddest things in life is that to have success in the creative fields, you have to indulge yourself in the mundane aspects of it so much that you develop a unique hatred for its more unseemly elements - this is true in all areas, but seldom is it expressed as entertainingly as it just was here. Applause from my direction wafts on the ether.

Todd Austin Hunt said...

Thanks for the note, Hannah!

Todd Austin Hunt said...

I'm glad you liked it, Troy! Thanks!