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Santa Claus

Santa Claus can bench press 950 pounds without a spotter.
Other things Santa Claus can do:

A. When inspired, he can take off his cap and his scalp becomes a tremendous spotlight able to penetrate the abyss of space. He uses this to show individual naughty children the planet where they will be exiled after too many sins, and even more specific, the mountain cave where they will wait to be eaten by unnamed beings.

B. He has a water organ made entirely of frozen peppermint candy and powered by fortified wine instead of water. When he plays his favorite tune, which is a secret, Easter eggs in America turn into miniature Eyes of Sauron.

C. He can knit deceptive sweaters that look warm and fuzzy, which they are, but they steal the warmth of everyone that person would have cared about in the future. Of course, that person doesn't know, and Santa wants to keep it that way.

As you can see, Santa Claus is amazing and terrible.

Dream: Follow the Kitten

Dream May 3, 2018


I had a dream that Morp Konky bought out a creative firm on an isolated island somewhere on the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Italy. I was hired there by an old friend. I went there by ferry, and at one point my car fell into the ocean and everyone laughed at me as I singlehandedly pulled it out of the water. When I got to the firm, my friend showed me around. I was still wet. Keenla Sloey worked there and gave me a bright smile. Gary worked there, but he pretended he didn’t know me. A big weight-lifting guy worked in the same office as Gary and said to me, “You look sleepy.” I said, “Your neck is huge.” And he pulled his head into his sweater like a turtle. I asked my friend if I would be copy-editing. “You’ll see,” she said. We walked into a hallway that was bordered by chain-link fence. Morp Konky was standing there at a counter holding a baby that looked just like him. The baby had curly hair and was sucking a pacifier. “Shake his hand,” he said to me, pointing to the baby. I did, and the baby’s grip was ferocious, hurt my hand. “I’ve been training it,” Morp said. So we kept walking down the hallway and my friend pointed to a kitten on the ground by the fence. “One of your main duties will be to keep the kitten from getting out.” Immediately the kitten crept out through one of the fence holes, but my friend didn’t say anything. The tour went on and on, and I had no idea what my job would be, and I didn’t like the idea of working for Morp, so I left my friend and found the back exit. Zig Ziglar stood by the back door. He saw I wanted to get out and said, “If you leave, I will turn into a demon.” I saw the kitten out there and shrugged and walked out. Over my shoulder, Ziglar was growing into something monstrous.

And that was that.

Dream Over